Guilt-trippin, in a good way I hope

When I lose the motivation to do homework, I remember...
what a blessing my education is, how hard my mama worked to get me here, what a small fraction of the world's population gets a college education, what a small fraction of those who have the opportunities to a college education actually take them;

When I feel like being selfish, like keeping things to and for myself, I remember...
how blessed I am to have such a closely-knit group of friends to share my life with, how rare and special it is to be so vulnerable with people I have known for a short time in relation to some I've known for decades, how wonderful it is to have things to share! how awesome and privileged am I to have accepted my past--well, at least enough to share it-- and how awesome it is to have physical, tangible things to share with others;

Perhaps most recently relevant...

When I settle back, into missing, into loving too much (and too little) people who are no longer a part of my life, I remember...
what a blessing it is to be Loved in the first place, to have loved/Loved, to catch even the smallest glimpse of what Love is like, to know the truest, ultimate source of Love is beyond anything we can and will comprehend.

Gratitude pouring out by the barrel.

Storing me behind my ears...

At the slightest glance you seemed there,
a shaking blue figure in a sea of orange haze,
a starry-eyed soul cast in shadows too long,
but I saw wrong,
and the rhythm found me laughing again,
sharing a swollen sadness with no one,
disguising a gaping heart-hole with
three smiles, carefully placed...
I'm falling,
and turning,
and twisting,
twisting, and shouting
Everything is hot here,
Everything's aflame.
Chin upturned,
I squinted, searching for the hand
I used to hold so willingly,
(I could never bear clenching these fists alone)
There was nothing to reach for,
and I plunged further into the inferno.
Take this, one last time,
my last whispered "Goodbye! I will miss you! I have always cared!"
while our words sit in stifling air,
I will be gone before the echoes reach your ears.

I. Love. Teaching.

After a grueling 9pm-2am shift last night (okay, it wasn't that bad--I got to ride the new Bronco Delivery tricycles, one of which I think I broke, but let's not talk about that), I wasn't too excited to wake up at 8:30am on a Saturday to help fourth graders with their writing. Regardless, this morning, grande White Chocolate Americano w/a splash of Chai in hand, I picked up my fellow tutoring folks and drove to an elementary school in downtown San Jose where we were to tutor for a couple hours.

I LOVED IT. Okay, it's not like I haven't helped gradeschoolers with their homework before, but this was different. The Saturday academies where we tutor focus specifically on helping kids with the writing portion of those silly, state-mandated standardized tests that we all had to take when we were younger (no idea what the actual name of the test is). The assignment was for the children to create a story about spending a day with anyone they would like. Ideal companions were anyone from Justin Bieber (yeah...kids these days) to grandparents to famous soccer players. It was so cool, watching the gears turn in their heads and witnessing those brilliant moments when they would think of the perfect sentence to write down. I love it. I cannot think of a job more rewarding and fulfilling for me than teaching. To be able to witness that every day? So. Cool.

I also never thought I would want to work in Elementary Education--don't get me wrong, I still prefer Secondary Education to that--but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I didn't think I worked well with kids, but honestly, accepting that thought was my first mistake. It's not a matter of working with kids, it's a matter of working with people. Younger, shorter people--who are much brighter and more capable than most people give them credit for.

I can't wait to have my own classroom. I hope I'll be blessed enough to find a job at a school where the students matter, where learning matters, where teaching matters. I am so excited! Five hours of sleep and all, my heart and mind feel incredibly restless! I can't wait to teach!

English is silly.

1) We always, in all circumstances, capitalize the word "I." Could we be any more self-centered?
2) My watch works, or functions. It does not run. Distorted concepts of time, no?
3) Borrowed from a lecture by Joel Salatin -- we love playing the victim. That's why we call them "stoplights" not "go-lights."

living on power naps & prayer

"Don't worry, about a thing, 'cause every little thing, is gonna be alright."

I like life better through quick blinks and jolts. I like sleeping too. Ah, but how can I ever fully reap the benefits of sleep without fully experiencing the detriment of sleep-deprivation? If you think you can answer that question at first glance, I think you need to try staying up a night or two!

(Plus, when sleep-deprived, your dreams are more vivid as a result of your body overcompensating for lost REM sleep! How fun, right?)