Terribly Untitled

Several highly-caffeinated thoughts:

1) Humility in mathematics. I spent most of today researching a topic in which I'm very interested: education and tracking. I felt right at home among the dusty books and tattered articles my professors generously loaned me, coffee mug in hand. Easily, I lost myself for five hours. Then, to switch gears, finally cracked open my GRE practice book. Skipped the verbal section and headed straight to math, where for an hour or so I waded through once-familiar concepts (ah, oh yes...PEMDAS... comparing fractions? Bowtie method, right...) and felt the fog of mathematical illiteracy creep up on me. Feeling discouraged, I decided to translate my seeming inadequacy into productivity, and now have two beautiful Post-it notes on my desk with the times tables for 13 and 14 (I never memorized any of the tables past 12, did you?).

2) Tracking in schools. Along with *Nsync and middle hair parts, the tracking debate seemed to have fizzled out in the late nineties. Now—much like middle parts, actually—I'd like to argue that the controversy over tracking is making a comeback, and we need to start caring again. Downtown College Prep, a school five minutes away from the Santa Clara campus, is a radical new charter school aimed to serve the "low track" of middle school, and only the low track. In a way, DCP is like a fancy, revamped, high-pressure, high-resource "low" track that, by students' senior years, outputs "high track" students. Cool. Very cool. Looked at public schools, like Santa Clara High, that still offer remedial writing classes and felt slight nausea upon reading the brief class descriptions in their course catalog. Remedial writing classes—for the ninth all the way up to twelfth grades—were described as classes for students "who have yet to acquire English." However, Santa Clara High also has an ESL program with its own writing classes, so I have to wonder, from where does the assumption arise that these students have not acquired English? They can speak, can't they? The summary for the 12th grade class continued, "[Students] will learn that writing is a tool." Do the constructors of this curriculum really believe that students can't comprehend that learning how to write well is useful? Ew.

3) That said, education is a sensitive topic. I read this line of thought somewhere and it's really stuck with me. We cling onto our ideas about education the same way we cling to our religious values and political beliefs... so it must be important. Today I read part of a book that was published in the early 90s that predicted that in the 21st century, teaching would be an esteemed and well-paid position. Yeah, false.

4) We really do live up to what is expected of us. Somewhere between microwaving chicken nuggets and rushing off to meetings it was established in my house that my roommate and I can't really cook. Today we made a fabulous meal of spaghetti and meatballs. The day before I made a garlic-parmesan chicken pasta bake with mushroom alfredo sauce. Over winter break I made a mean honey-pesto salmon with herb-roasted potatoes and grilled asparagus. Common factor? I was home alone, free to cook without scoffing eyes! Roomies, I love you, but know that just because we don't, doesn't mean we can't. And I need to tell myself the same thing, and start preaching to myself (@JustinBuzzard)—believe the best in others, see the best in others, know the best in others, show the best in others. This applies to education, too (of course).

5) I felt like I had to finish this post with 5 points. Wow, so much coffee in me right now. Dangit.

Expired Milk

"May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else...May he strengthen your hearts so that you will be blameless and holy in the presence of our God and Father when our Lord Jesus comes with all his holy ones." 1 Thess 4:9

The way this works then
is that I have to stop running away
I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
He will enable me to love, again
He will strengthen my heart,
so why am I trying so hard
to work all of this out?

While I might need to take several steps back for now,
I will rest knowing that God is preparing me for
greater things right now,

like teaching (!)

and learning,

so it's time to let go,
of all other things,
all other heart-clutter,
that might keep me from Him.

Goodbye, darling. Until we meet again!

It's important to write...

because

then

you

remember

things

better

and hear your own voice

and know

that

it's valid.

Oh my gosh, I need to write.

I love this time of the night. I wonder if we should be as hesitant to use the word "love" as we are to use the word "hate" ... Then again, we aren't very hesitant with either, these days, are we? Never mind.

Drinking a soy caramel macchiato and feeling the insane urge to write, but not necessarily to think — clearly... initially I typed "necesaraly"— and I have been focusing on my Spanish paper so intently for the past two days, I think English has slipped out of my mind for the moment.

This girl, who my friend and I call our "library buddy," is always studying in the same place that I am. So strange, but then again, not really; we both just have the same favorite study spot in the library, but it still feels odd that we've never actually spoken. For an entire two and a half quarters, she and I have braved late nights and early mornings together, buried beneath textbooks and highlighters, and I have yet to know her name. All I know is that she's in a sorority and we have about two mutual friends. Hmm.

At the same time, our strange nonexistent friendship is comforting. I like the idea of working near each other and probably riding the same waves of stress/joy/exhaustion/hope, without ever actually speaking. Would make a good story one day, maybe.

But that's the problem: I am always writing stories in my head, sometimes to the point of missing what's going on in front of me. I would like to step away from storytelling mode for a bit, and that means letting go of many ideas I've kept with me for some time. I need to take the picture frames down from my brain walls.

I am not quite sure what to do with myself. Here's to making the most of the night, and the strange feeling of being too tired and too excited, all at once.