the pursuit of happiness

As the end of the quarter nears, it's only appropriate that I reflect on all the wonderful things I've learned. But I won't, because it is a sunny Friday and there are much better things to do. I just needed to write, needed to feel that sense of accomplishment that finishing a post gives me when finishing a paper doesn't.

How fantastic is our pursuit of knowledge? Whether you're an architect, teacher, engineer, or poet, in the end, all that any of us want to do is understand, discover, and relay to others what we believe to be the true nature of the human condition. In this sense, we are fabulously self-centered beings—but I don't care! I think this is where I find fulfillment—not in acquiring facts, but in pursuing them, and questioning, and settling into that bottomless groove of not-knowing. Nicholas of Cusa theorized that there was never an end to any subject matter, that with every answer to a question came an infinite number of more unanswered questions, and like Socrates, understood that the greatest, truest wisdom rested in understanding that we know NOTHING. How phenomenal! How amazing! How absolutely breathtaking is the idea of knowledge itself? The world is so beautiful, isn't it? Despite the cruel nature of politics, poverty, homelessness, and all the other problems in the world, there is some magnificence in how desperately we seek solutions, how hungrily we search for clarity. There may never be an end, but for now, let's raise our glasses in praise of our relentless pursuit!

Humans rock.

oh, how he loves us

i think it'll be okay.
basking in the love of my father;
crossing fingers with an upward glance.

ah, sinking in

i was building "castles of sand" in my heart and my head
but your dainty sea-shell hands could not shape the towers and buttresses
they told me about the tide,
they warned me about the storm,
and i smiled happily, trusting that you were that one,
the one that would keep me afloat
and like the rest,
you are a little disappointing,
(still precious to me)
and have a lot of growing to do.
i think i know why you're always sailin' alone.

if i were a scientist...

It's getting tiring—
this whole, fist-clenching thing.
I am trying to figure out why
(or when, or where) you stopped.
I am trying to believe the best without expecting
I'm trying to be patient,
and hope that you are the man you should be.
But it's getting tiring.
Some days I forget that I've met you,
Some days I sit quietly and smile,
pretending that porcelain cracks easily,
and apathy is easy (cowardly).
I'm acting like I don't know you,
and that I've forgotten,
but you are there,
a small, fragile chip
in my once-perfectly postured shoulder,
you are there.
And everyone will tell me I don't need you
Or that they will look with sympathetic eyes (pity)
at the sad "broken girl whose father forgot her"

Or there will be ones like you,
who think that love is the most ridiculous of human things
that we should all believe in proteins instead.

I wish that science could explain this gaping hole in my stomach, (heart)
that I could explain why you're not here,
why you are even more distant than you were when I did not know you,
I wish that I were a scientist.

Maybe you are a scientist.
Maybe you know more than me,
that we are social creatures,
that family is a social construct,
that everything is an institution
created by mankind
to control our natural (what?)

I want answers

I want you.

Even if it means waiting forever
even if it means scratchy throats and swollen lungs
Even if you never loved her
even if you are better at lying than me

There is part of me (is this natural? can you diagnose my problem?)
If only we were scientists.

is it dumb to blog about a midterm?

Absolutely floored—
and blank stares and margins
on white paper seem darker
than January, when I thought I would never see myself again.
wondering...
why we're so worried,
why we're so wary,
why we're so...
wide-open in the worst of times
and frightened, timid creatures in the best.
my brain is numb,
but my heart's still full,
and i am just looking forward to seeing you.
always villain until proven prince.

green lights

it's been awhile since i've driven home at five a.m., birds chirping in welcome and heat turned up so high i can't breathe.
it's been awhile since i've held a real hand and smiled like i meant it.
tonight was perfect.
perfect friends, perfect talking, perfection—
in that messy, bruised sort of way that makes everyone more comfortable,
and real.
tonight was home.

scizzors

seattle is beautiful and breathtaking, in all its grey-green wonder, and i can't believe i'm leaving so soon.
(pause here, i'm sorry if i didn't tell you about my secret weekend get-away; i was short on time!)
one day of coffee, laughter, (random road trip), and mysterious skies is all i needed to remember where my heart is
(pause again, i didn't mean to be so poetic in such a casual post)
i am just blessed, and i don't think there's a better way to put it—
today i met with several people who have changed my life radically in very small ways,
and my heart feels like it's about to burst!!!
i can't wait,
i can't wait,
i can't wait for the future
and following my heart!!
and loving what i do and doing what i love!
wow.

i can't wait!