I have never been one to settle, when it comes to dreaming. Sure, sure... what I want has changed over the years, but the idea of "giving up" has never been a reality I've chosen to embrace. I don't plan on starting anytime soon, so I won't.
Still — I've been a bit restless about all of this. This him and her stuff. He and she. Whatever it is. I would like to feel loved and wanted. (Wouldn't we all?) I'm also, of course, jaded and tired and sort of worn down from all the chasing I did in the past...
So I think I am giving up. I mean, we'll see how everything works out. But I woke up today with a heavy heart, and I believe that it's worth listening to. I'm tired already, and we haven't even held hands. I suppose this whole "giving up" thing is part of not settling (?) Whatever it is, it feels weird and right, and good, I think.
I want to love recklessly, I want to love fearlessly, and I want someone who wants the same.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
swimming ducks
People in this town move slow and conscious (not cautious) like the smoke that curls unevenly from their lips.
They smile from the inside out (sometimes they never make it past the corners of their mouths) like the smoldering blush of a child running indoors.
The fog, the permanent overcast, may seem "dark and mysterious" to the passerby, while in it we hold all our spirits, bundled up tight and heavy like our last names and call logs.
We sit in our homes, murmuring in response to the television--
or sit hard-tailed on sidewalks, chilled only to the skin in, where our hip-hop/indie-rock souls rage fierce and unadulterated,
or sit gossiping/philosophizing/writing/laughing loudly in coffeeshops, wired and loopy.
But we're all wired and loopy, running thin on this strange hum,
this strange home-hum;
California's street sounds and sunbeams had muffled its dull roaring,
but it is back now,
steady, and mine.
They smile from the inside out (sometimes they never make it past the corners of their mouths) like the smoldering blush of a child running indoors.
The fog, the permanent overcast, may seem "dark and mysterious" to the passerby, while in it we hold all our spirits, bundled up tight and heavy like our last names and call logs.
We sit in our homes, murmuring in response to the television--
or sit hard-tailed on sidewalks, chilled only to the skin in, where our hip-hop/indie-rock souls rage fierce and unadulterated,
or sit gossiping/philosophizing/writing/laughing loudly in coffeeshops, wired and loopy.
But we're all wired and loopy, running thin on this strange hum,
this strange home-hum;
California's street sounds and sunbeams had muffled its dull roaring,
but it is back now,
steady, and mine.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Japan
A thousand thoughts at once:
- An 8.6 earthquake strikes, and the first news articles to be published are about how the Japanese economy will be affected?? Following those articles was a long stream of tweets about how Disneyland is flooded. Really? No stories about relief, medical aid,....PEOPLE? What is the world thinking?
- How safe and silly and blessed we are to be here, where the closest we will ever get to a tsunami is during winter quarter, when it rains on our drain-less campus... Gratitude pouring out by the barrel.
- How terrible is it that it took an earthquake for me to put down my textbooks and think about all of this?
Be thankful, be joyful, pray for those in Japan who were affected...
I'm trying to make my "have-to"s into "get-to"s, and it has made a radical difference--
I get to study, I get to have an education to work for, I get to feel tired because I have had so many opportunities to do what I love, with all the energy I have.
Perspectacles......
- An 8.6 earthquake strikes, and the first news articles to be published are about how the Japanese economy will be affected?? Following those articles was a long stream of tweets about how Disneyland is flooded. Really? No stories about relief, medical aid,....PEOPLE? What is the world thinking?
- How safe and silly and blessed we are to be here, where the closest we will ever get to a tsunami is during winter quarter, when it rains on our drain-less campus... Gratitude pouring out by the barrel.
- How terrible is it that it took an earthquake for me to put down my textbooks and think about all of this?
Be thankful, be joyful, pray for those in Japan who were affected...
I'm trying to make my "have-to"s into "get-to"s, and it has made a radical difference--
I get to study, I get to have an education to work for, I get to feel tired because I have had so many opportunities to do what I love, with all the energy I have.
Perspectacles......
Friday, March 4, 2011
hopes as high as mountains
Those thoughts, the ones that blind-side you at 2am, the ones that make sleep cower in fear, the ones that keep dreamland waiting.
There are two kinds, I think.
First, of course, the ones that leave you breathless and grinning--those thoughts that trump your already deafening heart beat, the ones that chase sleep away because "reality is better than your dreams."
Second, the kind with which perhaps we are all too familiar... The painful ones, the ones that saunter slowly toward the front of your mind, the ones that twist themselves around your eyes and limbs, the ones that leave only when your spirit collapses and crumples, when you let the sadness win because it is easier to give it a victory than to stand lonely on the battlefield.
Fence-sitting and all, now. Maybe he was right; I am a little masochistic (but mostly scared). I am more afraid of the first kind than the second, you see. If we're talking about people here, the first kind is terrifying. It is the instigator of the second kind. It is the kind of thoughts that can't exist perfectly without the hulking possibility of the other.
There was a point in my life where I took pride in loving recklessly, in chasing dreams (and people) with gumption, with no regret! Perhaps I was wrong to take pride in it, and wrong to think I even had "ganas" to begin with.
I remember the first time I was really seen. It didn't work out, I ran away--in part because we weren't right for each other, and only now am I realizing that the other part was... fear. I remember how I let my fear ride in my stomach, how I was chilled at the idea that I deserved to be seen as someone who was... worth it.
I may have "loved" recklessly, but perhaps only to disguise whatever fears were lurking underneath. I am so much more, and so much less than I thought. Aren't we all?
At this point, I wish I were fiercely determinist, if only to be consoled that whichever choice I make will be what I had no choice in making. Eh, I don't even know if there is a choice to make. Either way, I am awake and restless. Waiting, or something, I guess...
There are two kinds, I think.
First, of course, the ones that leave you breathless and grinning--those thoughts that trump your already deafening heart beat, the ones that chase sleep away because "reality is better than your dreams."
Second, the kind with which perhaps we are all too familiar... The painful ones, the ones that saunter slowly toward the front of your mind, the ones that twist themselves around your eyes and limbs, the ones that leave only when your spirit collapses and crumples, when you let the sadness win because it is easier to give it a victory than to stand lonely on the battlefield.
Fence-sitting and all, now. Maybe he was right; I am a little masochistic (but mostly scared). I am more afraid of the first kind than the second, you see. If we're talking about people here, the first kind is terrifying. It is the instigator of the second kind. It is the kind of thoughts that can't exist perfectly without the hulking possibility of the other.
There was a point in my life where I took pride in loving recklessly, in chasing dreams (and people) with gumption, with no regret! Perhaps I was wrong to take pride in it, and wrong to think I even had "ganas" to begin with.
I remember the first time I was really seen. It didn't work out, I ran away--in part because we weren't right for each other, and only now am I realizing that the other part was... fear. I remember how I let my fear ride in my stomach, how I was chilled at the idea that I deserved to be seen as someone who was... worth it.
I may have "loved" recklessly, but perhaps only to disguise whatever fears were lurking underneath. I am so much more, and so much less than I thought. Aren't we all?
At this point, I wish I were fiercely determinist, if only to be consoled that whichever choice I make will be what I had no choice in making. Eh, I don't even know if there is a choice to make. Either way, I am awake and restless. Waiting, or something, I guess...
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
green, purple, pink, yellow, blue
The colors of my Post-it flags!
The colors I dream in!
The colors of our:
- music
- souls dancing
- sun-laughter
- moon-whispers
- smiles!
OH, the smiles!
After a strange (and somewhat startling) period of bleakness and despair, I was reminded by a handful of loved ones that I look much better smiling than I do crying, and that some things stay true, no matter how I feel.
No elipses for this one.
The colors I dream in!
The colors of our:
- music
- souls dancing
- sun-laughter
- moon-whispers
- smiles!
OH, the smiles!
After a strange (and somewhat startling) period of bleakness and despair, I was reminded by a handful of loved ones that I look much better smiling than I do crying, and that some things stay true, no matter how I feel.
No elipses for this one.
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