Monday, October 21, 2013

October Endings

I haven't written in a while.

And this makes sense:
when your soul is tired, when your heart is tired, when your body is tired, there is sometimes nothing left to give — let alone to write.

And this is what I demand every day:
that my students write.
- despite everything, in spite of everything, because of everything, for everything — that they write.

And here I am, stumbling over one, tiny blog post.

Things I am learning.

Called to walk through suffering. We are called to walk through suffering. Not against it. Not above it. Lately, my "incurable optimism" is appearing to be more and more like realism that has never known suffering. I am the ultimate wimp, but God is so good. So strong. And the only reason I have made it through some of these days.

I have never been an angry person, but I think I have always been angry. It's like I was just waiting for the moment that my anger — at all of it: our unjust educational system, our own mistreatment of each other, our brokenness and hate — would have something to hit. Something to target.

And there all of you are. Beautiful, and shining, and fierce, and fighting, and some days it takes everything in me not to scream, not at you, or to you, even, but for you — it is not you're fault you are like this. But from now on, it will be.

So tired.
I am so tired.

Will you please keep fighting? Will you fight when I can't?