Several flashbacks

swimming pools & The Exorcist
I didn't open my eyes once
(well, sort of)
the one time I did I felt
fear and chlorine sting my insides
and I saw you through that underwater haze,
still insane then, but in a good way.

The Badlands
Gatsbys American Dream, Forgive Durden, Daphne Loves Derby, This Providence
arms & waists & elbows,
and the smell of sweat stuck to the walls,
the smell of cigarette smoke
who did I love then?
my studded belt,
nic, rudy, dan, kenny, kirk,
so easily swooned by semi-stardom,
kicked alive by the sound of the bass drum.

Halloween
and we were never never never land king
and his fairy princess
I don't remember what we watched
but I remember what I didn't,
and the panic, searing panic.

dollar menu
we only had a dollar
but we had made it to the city
on a stuffy metro bus full of strangers
so we shared a cheeseburger and smiled.

green jacket, orange vest
our friendship was framed by our non-friendships:
you and her blue-eyed deceit layered thick
me and his brown-eyed heartache
therapy via skyscrapers

north city
in the shade of the poison tree.

summer, and my long, winding driveway
you made me a mix tape and I laughed;
everyone else had always sung for me and
I didn't know any better
than to listen.

gasworks
just you and I and an empty camera
sandwiched between God's greens and blues
a sweatshirt with a unicorn
and glasses too big for your face

bubble tea
and he and you and he and i and he and another he
we found locked doors this winter

the crawling realization and lifting freedom
of not being who I was then
but seeing all the gifts I was given too young
when the city bustle eased our nerves
and in empty suburbia lay our greatest fears
we were young, all of us,
and now some of us are in love
and some of us are still searching

I think I started growing up around 16
when I stopped gazing at the stars
when we started following rules,
but now I am 20,
and I've started gazing at the stars again,
and running recklessly against the wind,
but I still can't seem to place
that something that once was.