I'm getting sucked into that vacation vortex, where all I do is surround myself with books and sitcoms hoping that either will keep me relaxed. I'm drinking more coffee than I did while I was teaching this summer. That's saying something.
I read a few things I wrote a few years — okay, months — ago, and feel apologetic, and/or embarrassed, or something. There were instances in which I so readily committed myself to things I did not know how to feel, let alone say. I don't know. That's the thing with things you make public... there's no taking anything back, most of the time.
I tried so hard, sometimes. I would look up synonyms and try to make my writing shine, in that pathetic way that silver spray paint doesn't glam anything up. It just makes things look like robot barf. Silver spray paint = visual dubstep, and not in a good way. My writing = visual dubstep.
Once again, I've signed up for a year of overcommitment and having too many things on my plate, with my sole reassurance being that I will be busy (and never go hungry?) and maybe avoid the mental vacation vortex that sucked me dry... okay, stopping with that metaphor now — maybe avoid boredom.
The difference between the busyness of the present and the busyness of the past is that today's tasks seem a lot more important and a lot more demanding. But then again, so did yesterday's, I'm sure. I have to remember to sew a button onto one of my blouses.
The main frustration of today is that I took a four-hour practice test for one of three exams I'll be taking in the fall, reviewed the answers and explanations, and learned nothing except that I will probably never get into grad school or pass the CSET, and instead of fulfilling my lifelong passion of becoming a teacher, will probably end up filing papers at the school district office, salivating in the dream that one day I will earn a credential. Ah, still got the drama in me.
The reality of today is that I have spent too much time in front of a computer screen. Too much time staring at blank pages. Too much time self-scrutinizing. Who said I wasn't crazy?
1 comment:
The reality of today is that you are an amazing woman scintillating with passion and potential for doing what you love. A few tests mean nothing - you don't need a classroom to be a truly great teacher. That being said, I fully believe you can do it.
Don't give up, girl!
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