slow motion time warp

"Will you love me for me?
Not for what I have done,
or what I will become..."

Everything is gelled still,
like those weird squishy toys
that you could turn inside out
and hit people with
without hurting them.

I miss the way my heart felt
when it danced among waters
too bright, bright blue
to ever be still.
It's all just atmosphere.
It's always atmosphere.

Like, my mouth spins shut terribly
like my gears are broken and my
thoughts keep leaking, exploding
and they run, run, run
my thoughts are ugly and raw
and they do not taste good on my tongue.

I said I had no reason to write,
when what I meant was,
"I have every reason to write,
I just cannot bear to see myself
scribbled in a language I call my first."

I can't cry in public here,
I do not miss home,
I miss where my heart is.
Where did you go?

I am squeezing my eyelids shut now,
clenching knuckles-white and swollen,
bended knees on foreign ground,
whispering, pleading,
I was never enough I am still not enough
but I know that You are More Than Enough,

so take these tired limbs
and all the monsters they cling to,
and light them on fire,
so I can feel again,
so I can burst from the ashes and soar.

Jesus, I haven't talked to you in awhile,
and I'm sorry. I miss you more than I can say,
I haven't forgotten,
the way You stood next to me that night
when the world had reared its ugly head
beckoning for me to stay,
when You broke all the chains I had placed round my wrists
when You danced with me,
when no one else would,
and I'm sorry.

I am sorry I am trying too hard
to see me the way You see me,
and even at that, I am failing,
and I can't call myself beautiful just yet
I am sorry, just sorry.

I have not forgotten You, I have not forgotten your Love,
but I am afraid I have forgotten the me that is Loved by You.
Where did I go? Where did I go?