hopes as high as mountains

Those thoughts, the ones that blind-side you at 2am, the ones that make sleep cower in fear, the ones that keep dreamland waiting.

There are two kinds, I think.

First, of course, the ones that leave you breathless and grinning--those thoughts that trump your already deafening heart beat, the ones that chase sleep away because "reality is better than your dreams."

Second, the kind with which perhaps we are all too familiar... The painful ones, the ones that saunter slowly toward the front of your mind, the ones that twist themselves around your eyes and limbs, the ones that leave only when your spirit collapses and crumples, when you let the sadness win because it is easier to give it a victory than to stand lonely on the battlefield.

Fence-sitting and all, now. Maybe he was right; I am a little masochistic (but mostly scared). I am more afraid of the first kind than the second, you see. If we're talking about people here, the first kind is terrifying. It is the instigator of the second kind. It is the kind of thoughts that can't exist perfectly without the hulking possibility of the other.

There was a point in my life where I took pride in loving recklessly, in chasing dreams (and people) with gumption, with no regret! Perhaps I was wrong to take pride in it, and wrong to think I even had "ganas" to begin with.

I remember the first time I was really seen. It didn't work out, I ran away--in part because we weren't right for each other, and only now am I realizing that the other part was... fear. I remember how I let my fear ride in my stomach, how I was chilled at the idea that I deserved to be seen as someone who was... worth it.

I may have "loved" recklessly, but perhaps only to disguise whatever fears were lurking underneath. I am so much more, and so much less than I thought. Aren't we all?

At this point, I wish I were fiercely determinist, if only to be consoled that whichever choice I make will be what I had no choice in making. Eh, I don't even know if there is a choice to make. Either way, I am awake and restless. Waiting, or something, I guess...