humility/hubris

Montaigne and Huemer were wary thinkers. They strived to avoid the sort of epistemic hubris that dogmatists exuded, and in doing so, challenged the very concept of knowing. I am not sure why I feel so unsettled.

There is this mental/oral blockage that rises slowly and inhibits my speech, particularly occurring when in the presence of academic faculty, and I'm not sure why. Well, I am completely sure why. Specifically in the field I have chosen to study, there is a handful of selected few students that possess extraordinary stories, extraordinary abilities to think and communicate their thoughts with a precision and elegance that baffles me. I know that some people are just smarter in certain ways, but that doesn't change my frustration (if anything, it adds to it). I like entertaining the thought of learning so much more that all there is that is left to do is teach. I love it, in fact. There is nothing that I have felt more deeply invested and interested in than what I am studying now.

I guess there is one part of me that thinks, "Well then, go on and study it. Do it. Live it." But the other, much louder and larger part screams in defiance, reprimanding my selfish pursuit of knowledge (what the hell is the point? as if I don't isolate my thoughts enough already!). I do not think I can compete with other thinkers of my time. I just don't. And if you know me, you should know that I am usually optimistic, occasionally cynical, often-moved, sometimes sad, yet rarely do I consciously and willingly accept an attitude of defeat, from myself or from others. So here it is, for the first time in a long time: an attitude of defeat.

Why do I let speaking trouble me so much? It is frustrating, to be able to form my thoughts so easily on paper, sometimes easily in class, but consistentlywith severe difficulty when alone with someone of higher academic standing; aha, hello deep-seated insecurity...

Perhaps that is one of my less tangible dreams: to understand. And I know this is foolish in so many ways--understanding these theories and thoughts, if anything, can be isolating. I see that already in the faces and mannerisms of my fellow students--the world is one that no longer values these questions, and as he put, "it is also one that fails to understand that all other subjects originated from philosophical inquiry." He was frustrated.

That is where the philosopher's arrogance comes in, and it is foolish and prideful to honestly believe that one discipline yields more importance than any other, but perhaps it is also foolish and prideful not to acknowledge one that serves the others in so many ways. I guess I am frustrated--with myself, with my studies, with what I have chosen. I am frustrated in a silly way; I have chosen all of these things, intentionally and consciously. I guess, I am more afraid then frustrated. Of what? I am not sure....not sure at all.