[ ]

to be valiant,
to be brave,
to be...
i have been running
from i don't know what
(life? living?)
and walking around,
a ghost with no past,
wishing for something to feel;
i envy the jealous, the tortured, the ecstatic,
something sounds better than this
squishy 'ish' i've learned to embrace.

your blood ran thin, your skin felt thick
i had always wished it were the other way around.

now,
everything inside me feels thin,
like i could disappear under harsh lighting,
and i can't find the ganas i once did.
my heart swells and pulses for dead poets, dead artists,
i squeal in delight at imaginary countries and towns,
i laugh hollowly at everything uncertain.

is this how you felt?
crustaceous?
was your yelling at me, for you?
maybe you were sane, and the rest of us weren't—
maybe we wished we could cackle as loudly as you.

when ive dealt with whatever,
and all thats left is me.
it gets a little boring,
and i just want to feel my heart beat again.