if i were a scientist...

It's getting tiring—
this whole, fist-clenching thing.
I am trying to figure out why
(or when, or where) you stopped.
I am trying to believe the best without expecting
I'm trying to be patient,
and hope that you are the man you should be.
But it's getting tiring.
Some days I forget that I've met you,
Some days I sit quietly and smile,
pretending that porcelain cracks easily,
and apathy is easy (cowardly).
I'm acting like I don't know you,
and that I've forgotten,
but you are there,
a small, fragile chip
in my once-perfectly postured shoulder,
you are there.
And everyone will tell me I don't need you
Or that they will look with sympathetic eyes (pity)
at the sad "broken girl whose father forgot her"

Or there will be ones like you,
who think that love is the most ridiculous of human things
that we should all believe in proteins instead.

I wish that science could explain this gaping hole in my stomach, (heart)
that I could explain why you're not here,
why you are even more distant than you were when I did not know you,
I wish that I were a scientist.

Maybe you are a scientist.
Maybe you know more than me,
that we are social creatures,
that family is a social construct,
that everything is an institution
created by mankind
to control our natural (what?)

I want answers

I want you.

Even if it means waiting forever
even if it means scratchy throats and swollen lungs
Even if you never loved her
even if you are better at lying than me

There is part of me (is this natural? can you diagnose my problem?)
If only we were scientists.